Supergirl meets Bilbo & Frodo Baggins
© 2011 Jeff Lynch
Lang was reading a book. Mind you she was in her civvies and not that
blue, yellow and red all too short of material supergirl jump suit that
turns some people like David on. And while read the book she was
thinking of somebody too much. She should have liked to listen to
Frankie baby but she did not. Lana referred Mahler to Mr Sinatra by
far. So she was already damaged in her mind hein?
was also reading a book within a book too. Lana was reading the second
book of ‘The Lord of the Rings’. So she was a perfect girl only in body
and not in mind. In truth she was not really a girl as we know them at
all in fact as we all know she was not even human. But she nevertheless
Lana was outwardly at least, an almost perfect example of a cutsey
bobbysoxer who dreamed of a single fellow far too much Lana was reading
a very famous book She was reading a book within a book. The book was
the second book of ‘The Lord Of The Rings.’ As she read it she really
identified with the struggles of poor Frodo. While it is most probably
superfluous for you to understand the matter I will do my best to
attempt to explain the relationship between supergirl of Smallville and
the young superman.
and foremost, they both hailed from the planet Krypton. They were too
close in age to be siblings unless they were twins and I am going to
eliminate that possibility as from now. As we all know, the planet
Krypton was destroyed only minutes after Superman was dispatched away
by his Dad Jor El. He was sent away in a capsule placed inside a
rocket. Lana was similarly a being from Krypton. course this means that
the young girl who was to become Lana Lang was similarly dispatched by
course Jor El was a scientist on this doomed planet and the odds of
another Kryptonian scientist having a workable rocket system at his
disposal does seem unlikely. But hey man, anything goes in old comic
books eh. It must be conceded that Jor El could have conceivably been
responsible for dispatching supergirl from the collapsing planet as
well. Either way, we can be sure that they were of the same race or
ilk. But it seems most unlikely that they were closely related. I mean
it is possible that they just may have been cousins or something but in
all reality they were probably not.
it behooves me here to insert an explanation of how this rather madly
conceived article sprang into being. I did receive a private note from
Ye Olde Editor of our beloved Tilkal. Now Tikal is the name of the
online magazine of our Tol Harndor group. This note from my public and
private editor David, rounded on me for not including more stuff (err I
mean my own writing that is) on Tolkien related matters. We are a
Tolkien group after all is said and not done. So even though I am
normally such a serious minded man, I found a voice inside me which
wrote almost automatically back to David in Sydney. Ok how about Bilbo
meets Supergirl then? David did not need much time to pass until he
gave out this rejoinder. That’s fine, as long as it’s not too raunchy.
Ah these Sydney-siders, just how do they think and how do they manage
to cope? No raunch eh!
it seems to me, that for all Toller’s own private world, I cannot
conceive of any reason at all that Ye Olde Ed would place the ‘raunchy’
imprimatur upon me here. Oh he has read quite a deal of my work I
suppose, but my own hunch is that David nurses quite a few fantasies
about the subject of the blue and yellow girly with the tight stuff on
all over her body and who sports a flapping cape and leaves almost
nought to the imagination. After all, I suppose superman is a very sexy
figure too if you think of him from somebody else’s point of view. In
ya dreams that is Davy boy. Some editor eh you are saying huh? An
editor who has the temerity to impose limits on a writer’s sublime
imagination simply because he suffers his own subliminal thoughts on a
subject. I do not blame him of course but after all that is simply not
the point at all now is it? So get ready and if you are still game boys
and girls, read on.
it is really pounds to peanuts that Lana had borrowed her book from the
Smallsville town library at the town Hall. Naturally the town hall was
a Neo Classic building on Jeffersonian lines and it had six Doric order
columns standing at its façade. Well you might just have guessed at
that. The year was 1956 and that means that Miss Kavanagh was the
librarian at the time. Of course Daisy Kavanagh was both a spinster and
a book worm. But then you certainly did know that! Miss Kavanagh also
knew Lana so very well. Well it could be said that Miss Kavanagh looked
upon Lana Lang as just a little more than a normal friend could it not?
Ah mate, and after all this is a very small town we speak of and we do
not wish to go there do we? Lana, as we have already commented was a
straight A student, and already a bloody deeply engrained book worm too.
we can readily appreciate that Miss Kavanagh was something of a mentor
to our young female heroine or hero. Please feel free to take your pick
of the gender bender considerations. Do anything you bloody well like
about that subject too, as long as you do not upset my own Aussie hero
(or heroine) Miss Germaine Greer now of Queensland Australia. Young
superboy’s Kent foster family was situated out of town on a farm, while
Lana was townie. Mr Kent grew fine and fat corn, and was considered
lucky if a little queer by his fellow farmers to have such a fine young
boy as superboy certainly was. All his neighbours knew full well that
young Clark had not been conceived by his missus. Ah but these things
can and do happen folks. Even in the Mid West in can de temps entempts.
both our super heroes attended the same high school and they were
classmates. Were they attracted to each other you are instantly asking
me? Hey how in the hell do I know. I just invent half of this bullshit
here, but I am not responsible for teenage crushes in the fifties or
even James Dean like Rebel with or without a cause problems. I’ve had
enough of that I can tell you that quickly for nothing. But then the
answer is a definite yes. Lana does fancy Clark but he is such a ninny
about these things ain’t he? He would rather go around lifting tractors
off farmers, stopping trains or going for a burn around the planet in
the stratosphere or higher or some such nonsense.
there she is. It’s Lana Lang reading a famous book on a couch. Lana who
was most probably invented by Jerry Seigle and probably first sketched
by Joe Shuster, is lying there relaxed for the most. Even if she does
squirm her lusciously firm body on the red couch from time to time in
between paragraphs. She is reading the famous book for the third time.
It was released in the United States just recently, and Miss Kavanagh
has, as is usual, been right on the ball here. She has skillfully
guided Lana to another fine book or three. This book is bound a big hit
with this most attractive sixteen year old ex Kryptonian.
does this mean that I think Miss Kavanagh was a party to Lana’s dire
secret then? Certainly she was and no doubt about that at all either.
Of course she had to be. How can such a girl survive emotionally and
mentally if she does not have a trusted female confidante in a town
like Smallville. Hey I almost said ‘another sincere and understanding
fellow human’ here before I had second thoughts on that subject. Like I
said it is the year 1957 and Unwin and Unwin of Great Britain, have
just published TLOTR in the United States. Few people on the planet
comprehend what a buzz this book created wherever it is read on this
spinning blue article of ours.
of course Lana knows a thing or two, and she reckons that it’s a gasser
alright Also it’s plain to see that Bilbo Baggins is having a few
problems in this the second book of the mighty trilogy. Lana feels
strongly about Bilbo and is inclined to identify with his somewhat
messianic tendencies from time to time. She occasionally thinks of
Clark between odd paragraphs too a she lies there in the sunshine. She,
like the majority of her fellow female classmates, spends a deal of
time dreaming and planning tactics to attract their particular guys.
The guys are interested in the abstract mostly, but when push comes to
shove they are more than likely to pike out on the matter. So was Lana
panting for some boy just a little? And was that boy’s name Clark Kent?
You bet your socks she was.
we must examine the history of superman as seen through the comics.
Here I am mostly concerned with his emotional and sexual life as it can
be discerned in either comic book form or in the films which have
interpreted the tales. Superman is always shown as being very cool to
another LL figure. I speak of Lois Lane of course. She is occasionally
shown to be more than interested in the Clark Kent/ Superman character.
The main reason given for his own rebuffs of any advances is naturally
the protection of Superman’s alias. In the more recent Hollywood movie
versions in fact superman’s relationship with Lois is undoubtedly
the comic book facts are being largely ignored here and the bare truth
is that superman doesn’t seem to be all that interested in the opposite
sex. Tis’ the 1950’s by now of course. In America the ‘Hayes Code’
comes to dominate Hollywood. If you dared to show a man and a woman on
a bed one of their (two pairs of feet) must be shown to be touching the
floor. Europeans thought this most weird and it was just that. The
awful Senator McCarthy was running around in his drunken state with
lawyer Richard Nixon in looking for Reds under everybody’s beds. When
he thought he had found them he set out to sexiewillfully and
ruthlessly to destroy their jobs and lives. Mr Richard Nixon however
escaped almost unnoticed from the disastrous train wreck of Senator
Joe’s career. But that is another tale I am beginning to weave about me
and must now hurriedly leave it behind me for some time at least.
Margot Kidder played Lois to Steve Reeves (the second) at first she was
shown to be demure enough and only a small love interest was apparent,
but all that soon changed. Flying at night above the New York landscape
with Lois in his arms was tantamount to sex in the sexiest boudoir to
be found in gay Paris. But again it is not the real superman of the
comic book histories. The fact is obvious but Hollywood would not sell
that fact. Superman was just not interested in ordinary women one
little bit. This leads us to the question of whether superman and
supergirl were indeed human at all? This is a very difficult question
indeed to answer properly. We can’t be certain where Krypton lay in the
universe. And we are not even sure if we humans are the only species of
say ‘intelligent beings’ either. So it doesn’t provide us with many
clues as to whether Lana Lang was a human being or nay.
if we accept that she is human, we can’t be sure of what her strange
and unique condition has done to her. Emotionally is she similar to
most of ‘us’ then? And what of her own sexuality as well? Does she
respond in any ‘normal sense’ to sexual contact from another human at
all? It’s really not all that easy to give any answers to these
questions is it? However, I reckon that I have arrived at a logical
conclusion to some of these tricky problems. It would seem to me that
the young supergirl and superboy would seek solace in each other after
coming to some sort of an understanding of their most lonely and almost
unique condition. They were both made orphans at such a tender age.
They both were given these terrible powers by a biological freak of
nature. They were still only teenagers in a very small town and with
little or no back up at all. Of course they were extremely vulnerable
may just have been a little emotionally damaged if they were ‘normal
humans.’ But they were not human at all were they. No they were
something other than normal human beings. This can never be denied. Did
they respond to sexual advances from humans then? No almost never and
the reason is that they were different enough from humans not to be
excited by ‘normal’ sexual advances as we know them. But did they ‘use’
or require sex at all then? I think they did and they were both turned
on by the other. I mean it seems obvious to me that only your own kind
could give you the frisson needed to establish some kind of lasting
sexual relationship. Supergirl and superboy were most certainly an
item! Later on, when they matured it became trickier. There is the real
possibility, that their sexual practices were quite alien to us too.
I just do not want to go there thank you very much. And as there were
only the pair of them on this planet and thus the sexual urges might
have waned somewhat along normal lines of familiarity might they have
not? Also they moved out of that small town and their paths are not
shown as to have not often crossed. But this just might have been a
good thing too. This may have saved their relationship. Perhaps they
met infrequently and this kept them pumping hard. All of this cannot be
proven of course so it lies there like truth or lies as yet untold or
so a couple of hours from now Clark Kent’s foster father’s battered old
pickup truck will be seen from this same bay window. Likely as not, it
will be Lana who sees him coming as well. He will take Lana out on
another date and it may just be that they will end up cuddling and
snogging down around the time honoured tail light areas around the Lake
Forebegonne in Pop Kents 1948 ford Roadster pickup. With super powers
as well eh? Pity any ordinary bobbysoxer with the young model of
superman folks. But do not go there David and shame on you for raising
that matter at all Ye Editor. And if they are not even human we do not
have a clue at all what they got up to in Pop Kents pickup back then do
we. No doubt too, that the Indians of the old Ohio forest tribes would
have done much the same back then. I mean be snogging away on their old
bearskins down at the lake’s edge. Without the aid of motor vehicles
that is. And Lana is just beginning to understand that Frodo and Bilbo
Baggins and herself and superboy too, have a fair bit in common about
is that so then you say? Both Frodo and Bilbo never married partly
because of the hard nature of their adventures, and partly because they
had been very damaged by the bloody ring. Too much power will do it
every single time my friend. You only have to think on all those
terribly famous fruitloops that we all know do we not? At least those
crazies who are rich and or famous whom we think we know but don’t.
Well doesn’t this seem to be just as we were saying above about our two
comic book heroes too? Yep it does, and what’s more I am sure of it.
They also have too much power, and they were always set apart from
their (putative but unlikely) fellow humans. They have each other and
that is certainly better than what was allotted to the Baggins boys.
superman and superwoman that they became later were always going to be
lonely. They did not need any French baguettes and too much cheap red
wine to go with their existential philosophy too tell them that were
very different from every other being on our medium sized blue planet.
Always alone too, in so many ways they would be. Always, they were
bound to feel ‘alien’ and so different to the earthlings around them.
Just as Bilbo and Frodo were after they had been badly damaged by the
ring. Pity them then. For supergirl and her counterpart superboy, are
different enough to allow their minds to ask that same old awful
question that other young humans often ask. Oh why me, oh why me then?
After all they were still both teenagers. They always say, oh why, oh
why could I not have been just like all the bloody others then?
By Jeff (rauncho) Lynch
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